Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno