tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
You Might Also Like
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: