Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.