I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.