Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You Might Also Like
the best thing i’ve ever made
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Weirdos gonna weird.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.