God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The Struggle
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
podcasts
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.