THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.