It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
<- sleeps well with others
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka