There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You Might Also Like
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Just got to our Airbnb!