The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat: