Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
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HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
What kind of a cult is this?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.