When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends