Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
motivation
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.