the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Seek kebab; not attention
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”