me
You Might Also Like
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
same vibe as tangled headphones
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
SF is the wild wild west man
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night