A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Dolls on drugs
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!