HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.