Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.