Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
You Might Also Like
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.