Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My peeves aren鈥檛 pets. They鈥檙e family.
I just watered a few plants so I鈥檓 ready to open a landscaping business.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine鈥檚 disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Batman: [sees signal] what鈥檚 the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren鈥檛 you at my birthday party
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I鈥檝e never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
You don鈥檛 shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone鈥檚 all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it鈥檚 done with all this.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family