Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand