If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming