Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
this article brought to you by lions
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off