*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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a
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If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A double negative is a big no-no.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months