“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy: