I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
.. do you even science?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass