Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this