Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Order here:
More here:
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.