Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.