i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
This is a whole mood;
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”