A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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do what now??
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now