Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You Might Also Like
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Still my favourite meme.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
adam and eve had first world problems
this is the most humiliating day of my life
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.