I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
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This is my favorite one of these!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
somebody come look at this
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s