Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order