I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Look at this
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
She: I like Cats
He:
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6