Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd