“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular