12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.