We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.