My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
the last thing a carrot sees
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life