I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
You Might Also Like
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
What
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink