Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it鈥檚 for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Don鈥檛 judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 馃槀
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“Your lifeguard r茅sum茅 is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes