At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN