Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
@funTweeters
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.