Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
You Might Also Like
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
This dude got his own movie?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My dad is at it again
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.