“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
new shirt idea
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Siri: Retweet me.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Very problematic
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked