up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
is this a threat
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”