Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Saw online –
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”