Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.