Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
You Might Also Like
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Can’t stop laughing
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.